Monday, December 27, 2010

The House That Built Me

When I think of college, and I start reflecting on the years I have spent in Corvallis, I start getting a little sentimental already. Knowing full well that I will be a fifth year senior makes it so I don't see everything as my last time. Last home football game, last year with my roommates, last time I have fall term at Oregon State. I have been walking around free of conscience that I will have another full year to live through my "lasts." Recently speaking, I am starting to believe that I need to start living through my lasts NOW! Taking into great consideration, thought and prayer, I have more peace now than ever about moving home to go to Portland State next fall. I know what you're thinking... "ohh... she's transferring? Giving up huh? Is she actually going to finish school and graduate, or just start working full time?" Valid questions I assure you, but I think the Lord has put peace in my heart about it. Most of my friends won't be in Corvallis anyways, and I will just feel like the weird 5th year at school. Gosh I love Corvallis though, and OSU. There are SO many things I will miss about it. But most of all, I will miss my house that with my roommates we have created a home for ourselves there. The paint we put on the walls, the scents we filled the rooms with, the get-togethers we have had there, Family dinners. That house means so much more to me then I ever thought possible. It's broken stove, rotting carpet, squeaky floorboards, and all. I will forever look back on that house and smile with a warmness in my heart. The summer I spent living there by myself is the closest I have ever felt to my God. Living a completely surrendered life to him, starting each morning with my bible, and coffee (that I made myself every day because I couldn't afford to ever buy myself coffee) sitting on my front porch as I worshiped and listened to my sweet Jesus give me grace and mercy I did not deserve.
There is a line in the Miranda Lambert Song that says, "
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar," I love that line because it is like my back bedroom in my Corvallis house. I learned to play guitar in that house, and spent countless hours working on projects, homework, and creating my own little zen in that purple room. So much of this song I feel like applies to me, even though I am aware that she sings about her childhood house. So much of me changed living in my Corvallis house. So much was learned and experienced. No one can take those memories from me. I just can't wait to share those memories with my husband and children someday. What a precious time in my life. Growing up, learning to be an adult, moving on.
I suppose the next step is to talk with an advisor about transferring. If my credits transfer okay, I don't think anything else would stop me from leaving. It's a sad realization. I truly wanted my degree to be from Oregon State, I don't know if I will even let myself say Im an OSU Alum. That part makes me sad. But here is to new beginnings, a new campus, and to saving money.
Love and always bleeding Orange and Black

I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could walk around in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I walk around I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me

Friday, December 17, 2010

Passionless in Portland

The other day my best friend and I were discussing what we were passionate about, and how to define passion. I asked her what she thought I was passionate about and she said music and babies. hahahahahahaha. Oh my stars, I am not even sure what to do with that information, because 1) I am no musician, I claim to play the guitar, and sing along to songs that I didn't even write. 2) No babies even remotely exist in my life. No family members that live in Oregon have babies, and I certainly do not have a baby, so my two so called passions are basically non existent. How sad! I have friends traveling all over the world, graduating from college to start careers they are passionate about, friends who are passionate about ministry, and art, and culture, and studying people. I, Katie Moon, am passionless. Danielle and I then proceeded to spit ball back and forth about things I get excited about to see if we could find a passion in there somewhere. I think alot of my passions I have disregarded because I feel like they could never happen, or those dreams could never come true. I am a realist right? Well maybe I don't want to be a realist anymore. Maybe I want to be an optimist with PASSIONS! But what are passions if they do not co-exist with those desires that are the Lord's for my life. My dad mentioned that maybe it's a good thing I don't have alot of desires at this point in my life because it leaves me more readily available for what the Lord might call me to do. I liked that, I do like that, but I still feel like that's a cop out for not just figuring out what I am passionate about and essentially going after it. School doesn't help either. School does a great job of taking away excitement and pleasure right out of my life. Please Lord Jesus let me graduate! I wanna kick OSU in the rear, and then thank them for a great 7 years.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I am going to devote some time to think, process, and analyze exactly what it is I love. What I get excited about, what it is that gets me out of bed in the morning... other than Jesus. Is it being a wife and mother someday, is it exploring my musical side more, or is it something completely different that I am yet to figure out? I am just a little tired of feeling driven-less. So here is to discovering my loves of the world! Off to work. All for now.
Love and Exploration

Monday, November 1, 2010

If I Only Had a Brain

You know sometimes I just feel like the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. I run around trying to manage my life, and keep everything together, but what it boils down to, is I'm a full time student. Why isn't that more of a priority in my life? I was sitting in my 8 am comm 218 class today, and I was staring out the window I was sitting next to. The sun was just coming up in the sky, and the trees outside were beautiful shades of reds, oranges, and yellows. Typical Oregon. It made me think of New England though.Have I ever been there? Nope. But have I seen it on Gilmore Girls? Yep! Made me think of Ivy league schools, like Harvard, and Yale, and made me wish that i took school more seriously, or that it came more naturally to me. School is hard for me, but there are times when I just wish that a huge part of my identity was that I was a genius. Perhaps an undercover genius. Not the type that rubs it in peoples faces, or makes others feel dumb, because they are so smart. I just want to walk around campus and feel a better sense of belonging, and that I'm gaining new knowledge every day and making the best of it. Like Rory Gilmore. I'm still listening to new information every day, but I just have the hardest time retaining it. But then I thought about how often I think about being things I'm not. Like a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. I mean how fun would it be to move to Dallas, try-out for the team and make it?! I could at least try right? Graduate from OSU, before I have to go out and get a "real job," I go try-out for the cowboys. It's not practical. I'm fairly certain I wouldn't even make the Oregon State Dance Team, but I would be able to say that I was a woman who at least tried. A woman who went after her dreams. I just can't get this picture of what my life could be out of my head. And I'm not trying to discredit what my life is now, and what the Lord has blessed me with in my 21 years. But I have fallen a bit in love with this idea of country lifestyle. The dancing, the outfits, the accents, the courtesy, the rugged idea of living in the south, or in Texas. I've never even been to any of these places, but I feel as though my heart already belongs. Oh gosh, the Lord has alot to teach me about being content where I'm at. If I only had a Brain...
Well here's to studying and trying to expand my brain, until next time!
Love and flashcards

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Give Me Your Forever, And Not A Day Less Will Do

You know those songs that come on when you're driving, or listening to the radio and it just takes you back? Maybe to a moment in time, or to a certain feeling, or reminds you of a particular person? I had that experience today. Driving home from down town Portland, one of the first days of true downpour we have had in awhile. It smelled like fall today, but I was taken back to my senior year of high school to the month of March, and to an ex-boyfriend that I still to this day miss. I think the song provides such powerful emotion behind it for me because that boy meant alot to me. The song goes hand in hand with him because I fell in love with that song when we were together, and it's what I cried to when we broke up. Ben Harper's voice just has this weird way of making me feel like I'm 18 all over again. Makes me want to curl up on the couch with him in his old apartment and watch movies til I realize if I stay much longer the sun will come up and I will be in big trouble with Dad. It was just a perfect storm of emotion for me with the rain, that I didn't even mind sitting in endless traffic putting "Forever" on repeat in my car. I dedicate this post to you M. I miss you, and I'm glad you're happy. I'm proud of you, and will forever think of you when it rains and Ben Harper comes on my radio.

Love and Memories

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Raw Look at What's To Come

Do you ever have times where all you think is "woe is me"? Times where all you can think about it negativity towards yourself? My hair is ugly, I need to lose weight, Im not funny enough, I'm not very bright,I wish I were naturally beautiful, I'm lazy, I wish I were more outgoing, I wish I was good enough? I know I know... if Ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we"d all have a Merry Christmas. Or at least thats what I can picture my Dad saying to me. Sometimes I just get in these ruts of thinking this way. No Bueno. It's not pleasing to the Lord, but even knowing that makes me feel even worse about things because I know I shouldn't be feeling that way. Oh heavens. Maybe being at home is getting to me more than I thought. Selfish. Self obsessive. Ugly.

I have quite a few friends that recently graduated from school. Some are going to do missions, some have started careers already, others are getting married and begginning a whole new life. It just makes me wonder. What's the next season of my life going to look like? Graduate sometime within the next 2 years with a degree in communications, but then what? I move back in with mom and dad? I move to San Diego to explore that desire in my life? I go do missions, or travel and see the world? I'm at a selfish place in my life. Mostly I think about myself, and what I need. I focus on my money, and how to play life so that it can best benefit me. When will the time come that I start living for others, and stop focusing on myself? When will I stop obsessing about the way I look all the time, or will I ever stop? When will I say " I will Go, I will Go, I will Go Lord Send me, to the world,to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands?" Make that my prayer today, that I would live for Christ in a way that is undeniable, and raw. Real to the point that I am so broken, I have no choice but to wake up everyday and bow in the presence of a God that created this Universe. Get me out of this rut Father. I am being devoured by jealousy I posess for others. That is not how I want to be remembered, or how I want to live my life. We are called as Christ' followers to live differently. So why can't I start acting like it tomorrow? Too lazy you think Katie? well it's possible. It's possible that it's the easier road to walk on, but I know it's killing me slowly. Rescue Me. Time for yet another sleep on a futon mattress that sits on the ground.

Love and Bad Backs

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Fall Leaves, Football Games, and the First Day of School Outfit

It's Labor Day Weekend. If I were still 9, that would mean soccer jamboree this weekend at T.H.P.R.D. It would mean that today I would be trying on 17 different outfits making sure I have the perfect look for my first day back to school. My backpack would be loaded with all my brand new school supplies, and I couldn't be more stoked for my first day back. However... I am now a 21 year old semi-adult. Where Labor Day weekend now means great deals at the mall, work, and possibly a bbq with the fam. Tomorrow I get to hang out with my brother. He invited me to go shopping with him. I'm excited to spend time with him. Just me and my big brother.
11 more days at Nike, then it's off to the ranch for 2 days for leadership training. After that, back to Corvallis!! At the end of Spring term, I really needed to not see Corvallis for a little while. School had me stressed out that I was sending all my bad vibes in Corvallis' direction unfairly. And now I miss Corvallis. I loved being home for the summer, but it's time to go back to my own house and the freedom that it posseses. The freedom to be loud at 1 in the morning, or have my friends over late watching a movie. Back to family dinners, and football games. To working out at the gym whenever I want. Don't you just love the fall?!?!?! Second favorite season by farrrrrrr. I love the leaves changing, and the smell of the crisp air. I love the town of Corvallis and the comradary (sp?) of everyone cheering for the Beavs! I couldn't have picked a better school to go to. I BLEED ORANGE AND BLACK, and so will my children! That's a promise.
My dad and I were talking yesterday about when God willing I have kids I would love it if my boys played football. Football was never a part of my family, and I just can't wait to be one of those proud moms in the stands with my button of my baby's face on it. My mom and dad sitting next to me and my husband all bundled up, equally as proud as I am of my boys out there! Theme Song: Kenny Chesney, "The Boys of Fall"- Listen to it.

Love and Football Games

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

"I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman"

I'm not sure anyone has ever said it better than Britney herself... "Im not a girl, not yet a woman, all I need is time, a moment that is mine, while Im inbetween. Im not a girl."
Today my mom had me pack up, box up, rip up, throw away, the remnants of what was my room for 18 years. The pictures I had on the walls all torn down, my Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fan wall, destroyed. My Homecoming Princess posters and sash, placed neatly in a "pretty pink tub," that my mom was really excited about. She figured that if she bought me cute containers to store my lasting memories, that it would somehow lessen the sting. "Time for your Big Girl room," she keeps saying. Why does it have to be said like that? I feel grown up now, I just like walking down memory lane from time to time, and my bedroom helped me do that. Now if I want that experience I have to go to the attic to find my pretty pink tubs and haul em' out to look at old pictures. I had pictures on my wall from practically every school dance, that I loved looking at. It was fun having my new college friends come over to see Katie from the younger years. I wish parents weren't so stoked on turning our memories and our childhood into Guest Rooms/ Music Studios/ Tv rooms. Would it have hurt Steve and Margaret to have left up my stuff til they sold the house? Is that selfish? They could still use the room for guests, the guests would just get an added bonus of a Katie Museum, more or less. I wanted my kids to see that room. The lime green walls, the poster from Collin when I got asked to Prom. It's all in a box now. Part of me wants to be able to be okay with this and just move on, and I know I will in time. But for now, Im just kinda upset about it. Now coming home will feel like being a guest in my own house. Perhaps thats the part where I grow up and realize that Im a senior in college and I'm not a kid anymore. Soon it will be time to face real life, and running to mommy and daddy won't exactly be an option. No one said growing up was easy, and it's been alot of fun for the most part. It's time that I stop living in the past and accept the future that the Lord has for me. Preperation for a road that I know I need his hand to walk down with. What is that road? What does it look like? Where is it? Blindly stepping out in faith that my Father knows whats best for me, and to stop fooling myself into thinking I know whats best for Me. Well thats all for now, I need to go get ready for work.
Love and Pink Tubs

Friday, July 30, 2010

Good Times, Sunshine and Summer Time.

This is my second week at the Nike Employee Store. It's going well so far, and today I get my first pay check. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow for my friend's Rachel and Jordan! I need to pick them out a present today.
I've been thinking. Isn't Oregon beautiful in the summer? Possibly more beautiful than alot of other states in the summer time. We as Oregonians hold summer close to us. Gripping it with all our might, for we know that soon the leaves will begin falling, and we will be staring down the barrel of winter. There are so many times when I wish so badly that winter would end sooner, the flowers would begin blooming and we could start our summer weather in May. But I think overall God made Oregon in utter perfection. Making me understand that summer is a time to go all out. Experience nature as a true Oregoninan should. Have your body be exposed to some Vitamin D that actually comes from the sun, and not a pill. Driving with the windows down, blasting country music. I get antsy sometimes thnking about how the closer we get to September, the sooner my tank tops and shorts go back in the deepest part of my closet.
I get so inspired in the summer too. It's alot easier to pretend I'm living in San Diego when it's nice outside and in the 80's. All I can think about is San Diego. It might not even be all it's cracked up to be for me, but I just want to live there for a short time and get it out of my system. I also don't want to go against what the Lord wants for my life, so I need to not let my praying knees get lazy. Alright I gotta get my check and get the happy couple a wedding present. Until Next time!
Love and Summer Tans

Friday, June 25, 2010

Tattoos and Dreads, Stilts and Fire

Well Friends today marks 2 weeks of summer vacation. What have I done with it you ask? For starters I have watched more Laguna Beach in these last 2 weeks then should ever be allowed. I have actually heard myself use the term "that's gnarley" out loud in a sentence. Good sign that I need to step back from my lap top and be mellow for awhile. I have started a diet/ exercise program with my mom, and have just been hanging with my friends that are around the area. I went to "Last Thursday" tonight in Northeast Portland. That was an experience for the books let me tell you. I have never been that overwhelmed. My friends and I just walked around in our group the whole time in silence pretty much, because there was too much to observe and take in. It was more people watching than anything else. Tattoos and dreads, stilts and fire. Im loving this Portland culture. It's slightly shocking to a girl from Beaverton, walking around with raised eye brows and a camera. I just love the different atmosphere, I wish Danielle could be here to enjoy it with me. Randomly saw 4 people I knew. I mean this place was pretty nuts. So fun though. I love random hang-outs. Spur of the moment decisions. Tonight I also received a call from Nike!! He left a message, Im to call him in the morning. I really hope it's good news. I will keep you posted. Im thinking that if the job works out, Im going to have to get my tattoo. I think it's time. Although I want to save as much money as possible, while paying my parents back for money I still owe them from last summer with rent money. I'm getting so anxious about money. I wish I was a better saver than spender. Sometimes I just feel like its completely out of my control even though I know thats not true. Ok well just wanted to keep you updated. Here's to more summer weather like what we had today!
Love and Portland Living

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Just Another Day In Paradise

Well Friends,
Did I ever tell you about my climbing Mount Everest? Well I did, and it took on another name, a psuedo name if you will, I like to refer to it as Math 111. They say that Nationally it is the most failed class in college. Welcome to your walking statistic. I have now officially failed Math 111 3 times! No doubt a record in my book! What does this mean you ask? Not only does it mean that I epically suck at math, tag teaming with my cold stone hard hatred for math, but it really means that I don't think I can return to Oregon State University in the fall. This is not good news for me. I have my job waiting for me with Young Life in Corvallis. All of my friends are in Corvallis. I LOVE OSU. I feel like such a failure. My intent isn't to give up on schooling, I just hate that I have to transfer somewhere. It was always my great plan to graduate from a 4 year school, and show myself and everyone else that I could do it, and that I am good enough. But this just shows that I'm not. Epic Fail, Katie Moon. Now it looks like moving back in with mom and dad, sleeping on a futon and tip toeing around the house from 9 pm on, because thats when my parents go to sleep.
I had an interview with the Nike Employee Store yesterday and I don't think I got that job either. So Im jobless, school-less, friend-less (starting tomorrow) and respect-less.
Trust in the Lord and Lean not on your Own understanding.
Love and teary eyes,

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

We All Just Wanna Be Big Rockstars and Live in Hilltop Mansions Driving 15 Cars

Today is one of the those days where you wake up in the morning already wishing it was the next day. So much on my plate and all I want to do is watch a movie and not leave the house. I love my life and feel blessed every morning when I wake up in my warm bed with a bedroom that is all to my self (and purple and i love it) and I realize that I can make myself breakfast every day and coffee. I know that I am a blessed little girl, but it's hard not to want to live a different life sometimes. Or it could just be that I feel trapped by college because I have to be here for 2 more years. Dropping out of college isn't an option and I know that. I want to be able to have a degree, it's something I know I can be proud of. I also experience days like today however, where I wish I had tight black denim on, black fingernails, a pink streak in my hair, tattoos all over my arms, and a guitar in my hand. Living in Portland working, and pursuing music. Im pretty over being in Corvallis right now. I love it, don't get me wrong, but Im ready to be home in Beaverton for the summer. I want to get a bike and bike all around Portland this summer. My best friend is going to be in Hawaii all summer so it looks like a somewhat lonely summer for me. I should just make a list of tons of things I want to do this summer. It would be great if I had a side kick, like an awesome golden retriever or something. Well one thing is for sure I will be great at doccumenting my summer whatever I do. This is my 2nd to last summer EVER. In 2 more years I will have to be working year round most likely, well depending on what God has in store. Maybe Bible School is in store. I would love that. K I have to finish a business law paper all for now!
Love and Rock N' Roll

Monday, May 10, 2010

The Morning

Aren't mornings exciting? Do you ever go to bed anticipating the morning? Maybe you had a bad day and you just want to wake up to fresh beginnings? Or perhaps you have an exciting day ahead of you and you just cannot wait for it to begin? Maybe you checked the weather forecast and blue skies were ahead for the next day? I love the mornings because it's a time that I have purposely set aside for myself to get organized for the day ahead. A time to relax and read my bible, or spend time with my Jesus. Do some dishes, and drink coffee. There is so much promise in a morning. How exciting to see what the day will unfold to be. With night time, the mystery of of the day has already been revealed. The mornings in the summer to me is all that more exciting, because usually water is involved somehow. Wakeboarding, or floating the river, or going to a pool. Oh gosh the summer is soooooo fuuuuuuuuuuun. I would just love to be able to have a boat to take my family out on. I would love it if my kids could be little wakeboarders at a young age. I will probably be a nervous wreck, but is it selfish of me to want my kids to be great athletes? I just think it would be so fun to go to all their events/games. I will soooo be that mom with the Tahoe, the nike hat and work out outfit, a coffee in my hand and a million buttons of my kids faces on my jacket. haha. Husband whoever you are, I would love it if you would coach my kids teams. K? Thanks. Alright I must go to class. Until Next time.
Love and the potential of the day

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"I'm really only a kid still"

You know sometimes I feel like I need to seize every moment/opportunity because it's as if they are going to run out soon. That now that I am 21, so much of my life has already been lived, or things I want to do/ learn to do the time gap for that has already expired. I always wish that I could have been a dancer. For the past two terms I have been at the gym trying to train my body to do pirouettes, and leaps and become more flexible because I wanted to try-out for the Oregon State dance team. I was an athlete all my life. I grew up playing soccer (my one true love) and played basketball and volleyball and softball. It was great playing sports, but a huge part of me thinks that the expression of dance would have been something I loved. The time rolled around in April for try-outs, and I was scared/ made up excuses as to why not to try-out for dance. It's interesting because if I had for whatever reason made the team I would have had to quit my job. Just this last Friday I had an interview for a position as a student staff member with Young Life in Corvallis. I found out this morning that I got the grant money for the job! I think the Lord has bigger plans for me then I have/had for myself. I wish I would walk out in faith more often. Follow the Lord when it maybe isn't the easiest thing to do. Shouldn't we trust that what he has planned is perfect and undeniable. Why do I even try to choose paths for myself when the Lord is so patiently waiting for us to pick up our own cross and follow after him?
In regards to expression of myself, I think I already told you how this whole blogging thing is new to me and Im choosing to use this as a means for expression. This has been great, it really does help me. I think the next step is art. Art on my body. A tattoo. I have it all planned out.. or so I think. Im just saving money right now. I just want to express myself and learn who I am and what I like. Sometimes I feel so old and have all this weight on my shoulders of responsibility, but when I step back for a second I realize that I'm still young and I'm really only a kid still. I was watching a tv show where the mom on the show died and it brought me to tears. We aren't talking like a few streams down the cheek, we are talking full on crying here. I got really emotional about it. I realized how much I still need my mom and how young it made me feel. I sleep with my baby blanket still for goodness sakes. My poor husband will have to just get over that fun fact. I'm still figuring out what I like, how to do my hair, what makeup looks best on me, how to cook and take care of my roommates, how to study best for an exam. How to drive the speed limit on the highway and what music I like. Deciding things like who I choose to spend my time on, and who/ what I want to put my effort into. Learning how I'm like my parents, and what I have acquired on my own. Realizing that my nose doesn't look like anyone else in the Moon family, but that my brother and I have the same exact booty. I love playing the guitar, but I hate performing... so don't ask. I love acting, and I hate it when people talk down to me, or make me feel dumb. I'm a smart girl, but not your typical book smart logical thinker. I love exercising and hate feeling bad about my own body. I'm learning what it means to be content in my own skin. K thats all I have for now. Happy Cinco De Mayo/ Cinco De Mustache I guess, haha. I have to go get ready for Business Law.
Love and Youth

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Slightly Overwhelmed in Corvallis

So... Here I am at the library with 1 hour until my next class (business law). As I sit here at the computer I am feeling all sorts of anxiety creeping into my body and my mind. Oh gosh, I have sooo much to do and it's all my fault. I have been procrastinating like its my job. I didn't do didly poop this weekend as far as homework or productivity is concerned. I worked Friday and Sunday night, but pretty much just entertained myself with usless reality television ( The Hills). Something I might point out while we are on the subject is that I have made the decision that watching such shows as The Hills, is bad for my heart/ mind. Am I going to stop watching it.. probably not, just trying to be honest with you. Living in a place such as Los Angeles is a particular lifestyle choice, and one that they make seem so fabulous to the viewers at home. Being that I was born and raised in Beaverton Oregon, a great city mind you, but not one that is centered around long thick flowing blonde hair, or summer tans in the winter, or fabulous parties where I show off my size 0 body. I never feel as poorly about myself as when I either A. wear a bikini, or B. watch The Hills. I could look at it like a way of motivating me to not eat Tator Tots at Mcmenamins once a week during happy hour, or perhaps to count calories, or exercise for longer and harder at the gym. However in all reality on that show, its probably eating disorders we are talking about here, or you could go the Heidi Montag route and lipo everything. I am a 21 year old female college student who is not perfect by any means, but Im also not plastic. Watching these types of shows just makes me feel inadequate, overweight, and not pretty enough to have anything to offer anyone. Why do these insecurities have to form and emerge? I remember in high school I had all the confidence in the world and just did me. Why now do I feel this way? Its hard being a young woman who constantly is being compared to other women in Hollywood or in magazines. Or is it that Im the one doing the comparing of myself? Maybe I am my harshest critic? Sometimes I just want to pack up my life and move to San Diego. Do you ever feel like that? Maybe not to San Diego, but somewhere else.. besides here? Just to get away. College is so restrictive. Even going somewhere for the weekend takes alot of behind the scenes work of having to request work off, finishing up homework, making sure you don't have any meetings to be at, or appointments you would be missing. I guess Im just slowly building up this readiness to start my life outside of school. To have my own place, my own dog, my own full time job, perhaps my own business if thats in God's plan. Ever hear anyone tell you to "live in the here and now?" Why is that so difficult? Why are we such beings that always look to the future, and the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. My mom always tells me to enjoy this time where Im single and on my own and all i have to worry about is myself. Maybe I just like worrying about other people because it takes the focus off myself? Lord teach me to be content at the place i am at and with the person I am now. That doesn't mean I can't be excited for later in life, but I just want to learn what it means to be happy NOW. So I guess right now I will just focus on getting my guitar homework done, my Aids and Sti's outline finished, go to the gym, and get ready for campaigners tonight with my YoungLife girls. I also have a job interview with younglife on Friday to be on student staff in Corvallis next year. Im really excited about it, but Im finding it hard for me to just get down on my hands and knees and pray about it. Sometimes when I get stressed out the last thing I want to do is take it to God, and thats just dumb. I really need to work on that. Well here is to enjoying the here and now and focusing on myself today(but not being a selfish person).
Love and inner well being

Thursday, April 1, 2010

1:23 am Word Vomit; Just What Came to Mind

So I've been thinking, maybe there is something you should know about me? Movies are a bit of a passion of mine. I love the creativity behind them. The skill, the patience, the eye for entertainment. For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be an actress. Not so much anymore just because if you become an actress these days, you then become a drug addict, anorexic self obsessed lady who carries around a small ugly dog and then gets a reality show. So acting in front of the mirror is second best. I've gotten pretty good at on demand crying. You think Im kidding? I really do act in the mirror. It's great, Im getting so good that even Oprah wanted me on her talk show. Take that Miley Cyrus. I just saw "The Last Song," tonight. The movie with Miley based off the book by Nicholas Sparks. (Can't wait to catch up on all of his great books this summer btw) Anyways... what I wanted to tell you was that movies inspire me. They make me want to create, or better my life somehow. I know it's crazy, but Im trying to just be honest here. The movie makes me long for summer time. Spring Term is so fun on campus, but it's only because of the excitement of summer almost within our grasp. I wish it were possible to hug summer, so that when you're ready you can let go, rather than it just slipping away from you slowly as September rolls in. Im pretty ready for summer dresses and wedges. Tan lines and late night walks. What in the world is this summer going to look like? Where will I be working? Im going to be living at home in Beaverton. My Best friend is living in Hawaii this summer, who the crap am I going to be hanging with? Guess I shouldn't worry about tomorrow because today has enough problems of its own. ha. On that note Im gonna fall asleep with my space heater.... yeah its April and we still need space heaters... fricken Oregon. Please Katie will you follow up on your San Diego plans after graduation!
Love and Inspiration

Thursday, March 25, 2010

He's Perfect, in His Perfect Little Way

Do you ever feel like you are wasting away time when you don't have anyone special to share your life with? I mean I have good friends, a Best Friend even. I love to share my life with them.. but having a boy seems to make sharing your life all that more exciting and worth while. Sometimes its nice to have them around to be taken care of, or so I can take care of him. I'm ready to pour into him, and likewise. Someone to travel with. Someone to kiss, someone to laugh with, or play my guitar for. Someone to sing to. Someone to encourage me, to Hug me. Someone I can make a lasagna for. Someone who thinks Im smart, and tells me so, who laughs with me at the same movie quotes and loves hearing me tell stories from my day. Someone who finds me beautiful, and isn't afraid to hold my hand in public. Someone who loves my best friend Danielle and will hold me when my dog Reggie eventually dies. Someone to take me to San Diego because they know how much I love that city. Someone I can drink coffee with, and bring them dessert when they are having a bad day at work. Someone who loves staying at the Denney's house with me, and knows how to shoot a gun with Mychal. Someone who is great with kids and doesn't mind holding a baby. Someone who respects his mother and father and treats them with tenderness and compassion. Someone who is driven and motivated, not afraid of the world, but not of the world. Someone who likes to dance and play soprts. Takes care of his body, and takes his outfits somewhat seriously. He may or may not wear Vans, but knows how to work a good pair of baggy sweat pants. Someone who my brother Ben respects, who loves spending time with my parents. Someone who knows how to dominate in Pictionary, and can appreciate a good hug from my mama. Someone my Father would be proud to have as a son and would give his blessing to. A Mister Fix It, who can appreciate a good looking car. A man who is goofy and makes me laugh. A man of no secrets and no addictions. Maybe a tatoo or two, perhaps a musician. A man who loves Jesus Christ but still has room in his heart for me, His Best Friend. A man who means it when he says "Always and Forever."
God is teaching me patience, this was just on my heart so I had to get it out here. Some days I just long for him, but I trust my Lord with this. Ok I better go call my cousin about going to the beach tomorrow.
Love and Patience,

Monday, March 15, 2010

Fresh Meat on the Blog Street

So this whole Blog thing seems so far to be pretty great. Sometimes you just want to write and express yourself, but don't know where it's best to express yourself. I write in journals, but then Im obviously the only one reading it.. unless one of my roommates is alot creepier than I am aware of. Facebook isn't the best place to express yourself because then just anyone can be in your bidness, like that random dude from my econ class who I didn't know even knew my name... So I have been wanting to start a blog, but just never sat down to it, until today. So if you are out there reading this... then great! I hope above all else I can make you laugh, or make you feel better about yourself because my thoughts are just super goofy. Sometimes I just want to be this deep thinker who is wise above her 21 years. But I kinda don't think thats the case with me, whether I like it or not. I have this part of me, who just wants to create, but Im no good with drawing, so I'm finding new outlets for my creativity like with writing this, and playing the guitar. THE GUITAR is sooooo fun. It's my new favorite. You know in the movie "Elf" with Will Ferrel, he says "Singing's my favorite." Well the Guitar is MY favorite. I started learning/ playing in Novemeber. So I've been going at it, for about 4 and a half months now. I can play some great Worship songs, and im really working on my strumming patterns. I love it. Such a great outlet, and great time for me to spend with Jesus. Sometime I will have to record me playing and post it on here. I would love that. But for now I must go. I think I might not study, and instead rearrange my bedroom. What a great way to procrastinate right?
Love and furniture

Finals Week

Today marks the first day of finals week. It also marks 4 more days until I get to leave for Wildhorse Canyon (blah blah "you're supposed to call it Washington Family Ranch" I KNOW!) to do College Work Week! You bet I paid $50.00 to go clean up the camp! I mean where else would you be able to serve Christ 1, and 2 meet awesome people from all over Oregon who love Christ too?! And what's all this talk about Spouse hunting while you are at College Work Week? Do people really do that? I kinda thought it was a joke until I found out that some people were pretty serious about it. What happened to trusting in the Lord when it came to your future husband/ wife? In the last year the Lord has shown me sooooo much. But please believe that Jesus and I had conversation after conversation about giving up my future husband to him. I tried to keep that in my firm grasp, until I learned that nothing has meaning unless it is centered around Chirst. I can try and find Mr. Perfect on my own, but I will fail. God has given me such a peace in my heart in knowing that He knows the desires of my heart. "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the Desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4 Poor Jesus. He had to keep beating me upside the head with that verse. haha. I can be somewhat stubborn at times. Im just trying to stay open to what the Lord is trying to teach me. It's not always easy trying to listen to his still small voice, but it's there. I know with all my heart that he has great plans for me, and I am just along for the ride!
Today also I am meeting up with two freshman girls from Corvallis High School for coffee. I am hoping to be there Young Life Leader. Or just someone that can walk alongside them. I just love High School Girls! They are so much fun, and don't have a lot to stress about, like I do. ha. I would love to disciple these young women. Just have to be praying about it.
Well I better get going it's 11:00 am, and I haven't even made my coffee yet! Until next time.
-Love and final exams