So... Here I am at the library with 1 hour until my next class (business law). As I sit here at the computer I am feeling all sorts of anxiety creeping into my body and my mind. Oh gosh, I have sooo much to do and it's all my fault. I have been procrastinating like its my job. I didn't do didly poop this weekend as far as homework or productivity is concerned. I worked Friday and Sunday night, but pretty much just entertained myself with usless reality television ( The Hills). Something I might point out while we are on the subject is that I have made the decision that watching such shows as The Hills, is bad for my heart/ mind. Am I going to stop watching it.. probably not, just trying to be honest with you. Living in a place such as Los Angeles is a particular lifestyle choice, and one that they make seem so fabulous to the viewers at home. Being that I was born and raised in Beaverton Oregon, a great city mind you, but not one that is centered around long thick flowing blonde hair, or summer tans in the winter, or fabulous parties where I show off my size 0 body. I never feel as poorly about myself as when I either A. wear a bikini, or B. watch The Hills. I could look at it like a way of motivating me to not eat Tator Tots at Mcmenamins once a week during happy hour, or perhaps to count calories, or exercise for longer and harder at the gym. However in all reality on that show, its probably eating disorders we are talking about here, or you could go the Heidi Montag route and lipo everything. I am a 21 year old female college student who is not perfect by any means, but Im also not plastic. Watching these types of shows just makes me feel inadequate, overweight, and not pretty enough to have anything to offer anyone. Why do these insecurities have to form and emerge? I remember in high school I had all the confidence in the world and just did me. Why now do I feel this way? Its hard being a young woman who constantly is being compared to other women in Hollywood or in magazines. Or is it that Im the one doing the comparing of myself? Maybe I am my harshest critic? Sometimes I just want to pack up my life and move to San Diego. Do you ever feel like that? Maybe not to San Diego, but somewhere else.. besides here? Just to get away. College is so restrictive. Even going somewhere for the weekend takes alot of behind the scenes work of having to request work off, finishing up homework, making sure you don't have any meetings to be at, or appointments you would be missing. I guess Im just slowly building up this readiness to start my life outside of school. To have my own place, my own dog, my own full time job, perhaps my own business if thats in God's plan. Ever hear anyone tell you to "live in the here and now?" Why is that so difficult? Why are we such beings that always look to the future, and the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. My mom always tells me to enjoy this time where Im single and on my own and all i have to worry about is myself. Maybe I just like worrying about other people because it takes the focus off myself? Lord teach me to be content at the place i am at and with the person I am now. That doesn't mean I can't be excited for later in life, but I just want to learn what it means to be happy NOW. So I guess right now I will just focus on getting my guitar homework done, my Aids and Sti's outline finished, go to the gym, and get ready for campaigners tonight with my YoungLife girls. I also have a job interview with younglife on Friday to be on student staff in Corvallis next year. Im really excited about it, but Im finding it hard for me to just get down on my hands and knees and pray about it. Sometimes when I get stressed out the last thing I want to do is take it to God, and thats just dumb. I really need to work on that. Well here is to enjoying the here and now and focusing on myself today(but not being a selfish person).
Love and inner well being