Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"I'm really only a kid still"

You know sometimes I feel like I need to seize every moment/opportunity because it's as if they are going to run out soon. That now that I am 21, so much of my life has already been lived, or things I want to do/ learn to do the time gap for that has already expired. I always wish that I could have been a dancer. For the past two terms I have been at the gym trying to train my body to do pirouettes, and leaps and become more flexible because I wanted to try-out for the Oregon State dance team. I was an athlete all my life. I grew up playing soccer (my one true love) and played basketball and volleyball and softball. It was great playing sports, but a huge part of me thinks that the expression of dance would have been something I loved. The time rolled around in April for try-outs, and I was scared/ made up excuses as to why not to try-out for dance. It's interesting because if I had for whatever reason made the team I would have had to quit my job. Just this last Friday I had an interview for a position as a student staff member with Young Life in Corvallis. I found out this morning that I got the grant money for the job! I think the Lord has bigger plans for me then I have/had for myself. I wish I would walk out in faith more often. Follow the Lord when it maybe isn't the easiest thing to do. Shouldn't we trust that what he has planned is perfect and undeniable. Why do I even try to choose paths for myself when the Lord is so patiently waiting for us to pick up our own cross and follow after him?
In regards to expression of myself, I think I already told you how this whole blogging thing is new to me and Im choosing to use this as a means for expression. This has been great, it really does help me. I think the next step is art. Art on my body. A tattoo. I have it all planned out.. or so I think. Im just saving money right now. I just want to express myself and learn who I am and what I like. Sometimes I feel so old and have all this weight on my shoulders of responsibility, but when I step back for a second I realize that I'm still young and I'm really only a kid still. I was watching a tv show where the mom on the show died and it brought me to tears. We aren't talking like a few streams down the cheek, we are talking full on crying here. I got really emotional about it. I realized how much I still need my mom and how young it made me feel. I sleep with my baby blanket still for goodness sakes. My poor husband will have to just get over that fun fact. I'm still figuring out what I like, how to do my hair, what makeup looks best on me, how to cook and take care of my roommates, how to study best for an exam. How to drive the speed limit on the highway and what music I like. Deciding things like who I choose to spend my time on, and who/ what I want to put my effort into. Learning how I'm like my parents, and what I have acquired on my own. Realizing that my nose doesn't look like anyone else in the Moon family, but that my brother and I have the same exact booty. I love playing the guitar, but I hate performing... so don't ask. I love acting, and I hate it when people talk down to me, or make me feel dumb. I'm a smart girl, but not your typical book smart logical thinker. I love exercising and hate feeling bad about my own body. I'm learning what it means to be content in my own skin. K thats all I have for now. Happy Cinco De Mayo/ Cinco De Mustache I guess, haha. I have to go get ready for Business Law.
Love and Youth
-Kate

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