Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Give Me Your Forever, And Not A Day Less Will Do

You know those songs that come on when you're driving, or listening to the radio and it just takes you back? Maybe to a moment in time, or to a certain feeling, or reminds you of a particular person? I had that experience today. Driving home from down town Portland, one of the first days of true downpour we have had in awhile. It smelled like fall today, but I was taken back to my senior year of high school to the month of March, and to an ex-boyfriend that I still to this day miss. I think the song provides such powerful emotion behind it for me because that boy meant alot to me. The song goes hand in hand with him because I fell in love with that song when we were together, and it's what I cried to when we broke up. Ben Harper's voice just has this weird way of making me feel like I'm 18 all over again. Makes me want to curl up on the couch with him in his old apartment and watch movies til I realize if I stay much longer the sun will come up and I will be in big trouble with Dad. It was just a perfect storm of emotion for me with the rain, that I didn't even mind sitting in endless traffic putting "Forever" on repeat in my car. I dedicate this post to you M. I miss you, and I'm glad you're happy. I'm proud of you, and will forever think of you when it rains and Ben Harper comes on my radio.

Love and Memories

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Raw Look at What's To Come

Do you ever have times where all you think is "woe is me"? Times where all you can think about it negativity towards yourself? My hair is ugly, I need to lose weight, Im not funny enough, I'm not very bright,I wish I were naturally beautiful, I'm lazy, I wish I were more outgoing, I wish I was good enough? I know I know... if Ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we"d all have a Merry Christmas. Or at least thats what I can picture my Dad saying to me. Sometimes I just get in these ruts of thinking this way. No Bueno. It's not pleasing to the Lord, but even knowing that makes me feel even worse about things because I know I shouldn't be feeling that way. Oh heavens. Maybe being at home is getting to me more than I thought. Selfish. Self obsessive. Ugly.

I have quite a few friends that recently graduated from school. Some are going to do missions, some have started careers already, others are getting married and begginning a whole new life. It just makes me wonder. What's the next season of my life going to look like? Graduate sometime within the next 2 years with a degree in communications, but then what? I move back in with mom and dad? I move to San Diego to explore that desire in my life? I go do missions, or travel and see the world? I'm at a selfish place in my life. Mostly I think about myself, and what I need. I focus on my money, and how to play life so that it can best benefit me. When will the time come that I start living for others, and stop focusing on myself? When will I stop obsessing about the way I look all the time, or will I ever stop? When will I say " I will Go, I will Go, I will Go Lord Send me, to the world,to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands?" Make that my prayer today, that I would live for Christ in a way that is undeniable, and raw. Real to the point that I am so broken, I have no choice but to wake up everyday and bow in the presence of a God that created this Universe. Get me out of this rut Father. I am being devoured by jealousy I posess for others. That is not how I want to be remembered, or how I want to live my life. We are called as Christ' followers to live differently. So why can't I start acting like it tomorrow? Too lazy you think Katie? well it's possible. It's possible that it's the easier road to walk on, but I know it's killing me slowly. Rescue Me. Time for yet another sleep on a futon mattress that sits on the ground.

Love and Bad Backs

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Fall Leaves, Football Games, and the First Day of School Outfit

It's Labor Day Weekend. If I were still 9, that would mean soccer jamboree this weekend at T.H.P.R.D. It would mean that today I would be trying on 17 different outfits making sure I have the perfect look for my first day back to school. My backpack would be loaded with all my brand new school supplies, and I couldn't be more stoked for my first day back. However... I am now a 21 year old semi-adult. Where Labor Day weekend now means great deals at the mall, work, and possibly a bbq with the fam. Tomorrow I get to hang out with my brother. He invited me to go shopping with him. I'm excited to spend time with him. Just me and my big brother.
11 more days at Nike, then it's off to the ranch for 2 days for leadership training. After that, back to Corvallis!! At the end of Spring term, I really needed to not see Corvallis for a little while. School had me stressed out that I was sending all my bad vibes in Corvallis' direction unfairly. And now I miss Corvallis. I loved being home for the summer, but it's time to go back to my own house and the freedom that it posseses. The freedom to be loud at 1 in the morning, or have my friends over late watching a movie. Back to family dinners, and football games. To working out at the gym whenever I want. Don't you just love the fall?!?!?! Second favorite season by farrrrrrr. I love the leaves changing, and the smell of the crisp air. I love the town of Corvallis and the comradary (sp?) of everyone cheering for the Beavs! I couldn't have picked a better school to go to. I BLEED ORANGE AND BLACK, and so will my children! That's a promise.
My dad and I were talking yesterday about when God willing I have kids I would love it if my boys played football. Football was never a part of my family, and I just can't wait to be one of those proud moms in the stands with my button of my baby's face on it. My mom and dad sitting next to me and my husband all bundled up, equally as proud as I am of my boys out there! Theme Song: Kenny Chesney, "The Boys of Fall"- Listen to it.

Love and Football Games