Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A Raw Look at What's To Come

Do you ever have times where all you think is "woe is me"? Times where all you can think about it negativity towards yourself? My hair is ugly, I need to lose weight, Im not funny enough, I'm not very bright,I wish I were naturally beautiful, I'm lazy, I wish I were more outgoing, I wish I was good enough? I know I know... if Ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we"d all have a Merry Christmas. Or at least thats what I can picture my Dad saying to me. Sometimes I just get in these ruts of thinking this way. No Bueno. It's not pleasing to the Lord, but even knowing that makes me feel even worse about things because I know I shouldn't be feeling that way. Oh heavens. Maybe being at home is getting to me more than I thought. Selfish. Self obsessive. Ugly.

I have quite a few friends that recently graduated from school. Some are going to do missions, some have started careers already, others are getting married and begginning a whole new life. It just makes me wonder. What's the next season of my life going to look like? Graduate sometime within the next 2 years with a degree in communications, but then what? I move back in with mom and dad? I move to San Diego to explore that desire in my life? I go do missions, or travel and see the world? I'm at a selfish place in my life. Mostly I think about myself, and what I need. I focus on my money, and how to play life so that it can best benefit me. When will the time come that I start living for others, and stop focusing on myself? When will I stop obsessing about the way I look all the time, or will I ever stop? When will I say " I will Go, I will Go, I will Go Lord Send me, to the world,to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands?" Make that my prayer today, that I would live for Christ in a way that is undeniable, and raw. Real to the point that I am so broken, I have no choice but to wake up everyday and bow in the presence of a God that created this Universe. Get me out of this rut Father. I am being devoured by jealousy I posess for others. That is not how I want to be remembered, or how I want to live my life. We are called as Christ' followers to live differently. So why can't I start acting like it tomorrow? Too lazy you think Katie? well it's possible. It's possible that it's the easier road to walk on, but I know it's killing me slowly. Rescue Me. Time for yet another sleep on a futon mattress that sits on the ground.

Love and Bad Backs
-Kate

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