Do you ever have times where all you think is "woe is me"? Times where all you can think about it negativity towards yourself? My hair is ugly, I need to lose weight, Im not funny enough, I'm not very bright,I wish I were naturally beautiful, I'm lazy, I wish I were more outgoing, I wish I was good enough? I know I know... if Ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we"d all have a Merry Christmas. Or at least thats what I can picture my Dad saying to me. Sometimes I just get in these ruts of thinking this way. No Bueno. It's not pleasing to the Lord, but even knowing that makes me feel even worse about things because I know I shouldn't be feeling that way. Oh heavens. Maybe being at home is getting to me more than I thought. Selfish. Self obsessive. Ugly.
I have quite a few friends that recently graduated from school. Some are going to do missions, some have started careers already, others are getting married and begginning a whole new life. It just makes me wonder. What's the next season of my life going to look like? Graduate sometime within the next 2 years with a degree in communications, but then what? I move back in with mom and dad? I move to San Diego to explore that desire in my life? I go do missions, or travel and see the world? I'm at a selfish place in my life. Mostly I think about myself, and what I need. I focus on my money, and how to play life so that it can best benefit me. When will the time come that I start living for others, and stop focusing on myself? When will I stop obsessing about the way I look all the time, or will I ever stop? When will I say " I will Go, I will Go, I will Go Lord Send me, to the world,to the lost, to the poor and hungry. Take everything I am, I'm clay within your hands?" Make that my prayer today, that I would live for Christ in a way that is undeniable, and raw. Real to the point that I am so broken, I have no choice but to wake up everyday and bow in the presence of a God that created this Universe. Get me out of this rut Father. I am being devoured by jealousy I posess for others. That is not how I want to be remembered, or how I want to live my life. We are called as Christ' followers to live differently. So why can't I start acting like it tomorrow? Too lazy you think Katie? well it's possible. It's possible that it's the easier road to walk on, but I know it's killing me slowly. Rescue Me. Time for yet another sleep on a futon mattress that sits on the ground.
Love and Bad Backs