Thursday, June 16, 2011

Psalm 62

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. 8 Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." ~ Psalm 62

I pray this with all my heart. I woke up this morning to incredible pain, and after not being able to sleep I decided to open my bible. Psalm 62 was laid upon my heart and I pray that I would cling to this truth in knowing that I do not have to be broken on my own. That God loves me and he can be my rock. I pray that in all ways as I live my life today I would honor and glorify him with my actions and with my conversations. I want to be a woman who "speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on my tongue." (Proverbs 31:26) Lord make me wise, and help me to learn from all situations I am placed in. Lord only you know the plans you have for me, and I pray that with every passing day I am more and more open to the will you have for me. Father hold me in your mighty hands, as healing occurs and I can continue to find forgiveness in my heart. "Find rest O my Soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

Love and a Heart Filled with Hope


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Big Girls Don't Cry

God is really good at letting me know that He is in control not me. Just when you start making plans for your own life, He reminds me that it is not my life to plan in the first place. Heart ache comes, but I also know that it leaves and eventually you can move on and accept that what the Lord has waiting for you is better. Today is a day I would not enjoy repeating, but I have faith in knowing I am in the best hands of my creator. I really didn't see this whole thing coming at all, it's weird no longer holding to a countdown that I have been obsessing over for the past 60 days about.
I pray for the day that I can be loved for who I am, and that that man finds me beautiful in so many ways.
I feel crushed and very defeated, but I know the Lord won't give me anything I cannot handle. I want to grow from this experience and become even closer to the Lord because of it.
Of all the days though. I am laying here with gauze in my mouth soaking up blood. I am on 4 different medications and I'm bed ridden today and tomorrow. It has just been a perfect storm. Trying to be strong, and level headed, I hate when I over analyze everything. I am going to do my best at thinking positively and leaning on my friends when I need their support. I have a wonderful family who takes care of me, and I am very blessed because of it. Please keep me in your prayers as I go through a process of healing. Thank you so much.

Love and other drugs


Wednesday, June 1, 2011


Last week I went out to lunch with an old friend. He ended up bringing a friend of his and I brought my roommate. The 4 of us were sitting at Block 15 talking about our upcoming future plans, and what we were doing with school. It came around to my turn to share, and so I spoke about my plans with PSU, and how school is important to me to finish but how I am longing to be a wife and mother over being some great career woman. Well my friend's friend proceeded to tell me how I am perpetuating the awful stereotypes of woman being only good for the bedroom and the kitchen. I tried defending my stance on all of that but quickly gave up because I could see he was the "I have to win" type. My friend and his friend started asking me why it was that I felt I needed to be married right out of college, and how I could just move in with my significant other to sort of test the fields in all areas, and one area in particular that I believe you understand, but I won't put in print. I explained that I did not believe in Sex before marriage, because God wants to protect us from the hurt that is involved with sex. So his friend started going off about the most inappropriate things I had ever heard someone say to me about the importance of testing the field. I asked my friend to make his friend stop talking about it, but neither of them did anything. I felt the tears rushing to my eyes, and I got up and left the table. I honestly felt so harassed, but there was so much more to the situation than that. My heart broke for these 2 young men, that were raised in Christian homes, but have fell into believing the lies of this world. But I also hated how they degraded the image of a mother staying home with her kids while her husband worked and provided for their family. He tried to make me feel bad for desiring the role of a stay at home mother. I don't want to put my babies in day care. God willing that my husband and I can afford me not working, but I want to raise my children, I don't want someone else doing it.
The Lord has truly put it on my heart to be a wife and mother, and it makes me sad that our society tries to diminish those roles when parents so frequently fail their children. Maybe adults need to worry less about their profession, and focus more on their families. I think this boy has it backwards. I desire so desperately for my children to be so in love with Jesus and that has to start with a strong foundation in our home. Proverbs 31:28 "Her children rise up and call her blessed; Her husband also, and he praises her."
These boys tried to make me feel dumb for the choices I am making. But really it just breaks my heart to see the lies that they believe. Prayer. It's the only defense I have against the enemy speaking lies into their lives. Praise the Lord that I know who I am in Him, and he has given me such a beautiful passion for wanting to be the best wife and mother I can be to my ability. He is good.

Love and the Beauty of Forgiveness


P.S I go to a church called Solid Rock. The pastor's wife Diane Comer is a woman I respect and a woman with great wisdom, here is a link to her blog, and her thoughts on being a stay at home mom. Maybe her words are easier to understand than mine

Thanks for the Memories Corvallis

1 week from tomorrow and I will officially be moved out of my house in Corvallis. I have been so caught up with school and Brad being gone, that I have not been enjoying my lasts in Corvallis. As much as I want time to go by because yes I hate school, there are so many things I am going to miss. I will miss my purple/blue room that smells like my perfume and bath and body works candles mixed together. I will dearly miss my friends coming over to hang out at our house. So many family dinners, bon fires, and Prom was at this house. I will miss my roommates sooooo sooooo sooooo much. I already miss Adriana alot. I will miss having a place to call my own, and I have taken for granted the past 2 years of living so close to campus. I will miss being only a mile from the majority of my friends in Corvallis. I will miss when my roommate Jessica comes into my bedroom at 2 in the morning because she wants to talk. I will miss McMenamins hang outs with my friends, and going to Eagles to dance on Thursday nights. I am going to miss being on the Oregon State Campus. Portland State is beautiful, but it's no OSU. Corvallis has just done a great job of making me feel at home. Since the day I moved into the dorms as a freshman, I knew I was at home. The past 4 years I have had alot of ups and downs, but the community God gave me in Corvallis helped me through all of that. I met my best friend Shauna in Corvallis through Young Life. What a blessing she has been in my life. I prayed to the Lord that he would put a new friend in my life that lived in Corvallis and then boom Shauna Kopra is placed right in front of me. God is so good to me. I also met Brad through Young Life last year in Corvallis. When I met him last year, little did I know the impact he too would later have on my life. The Lord has taken care of me in Corvallis. I have learned alot of hard lessons, but I have grown so much. The people I have met in this city will be with me forever. I will miss you Corvallis, I will miss you 447 house. Thanks for the memories, I promise to come visit.

Love and Goodbyes